It is 4:30 am. It is still dark outside. I am filled with many different emotions. Grief. Concern. Some feelings of gratitude and thankfulness. Remembering my elation at the positive pregnancy test. My fiance and brother are playing Pokemon on their Nintendo DS and watching Futurama. My son is awake and was colouring. Now he is just acting crazy. As for myself, I was trying to lose myself in WOW. Now, I am The past 36 hours have taken a toll. It is definitely not the news I was expecting.
The saying it is better to have loved and lost than have never loved at all is an interesting one. Even more so in the case of miscarriage. For it shows that even though you have the ability to become pregnant and even if your first pregnancy was completely healthy, you do not have complete control over your body. In the case of miscarriage, especially in the first trimester there is usually nothing that could prevent it from happening. The fetus did not develop properly. It is little comfort.
It is a tough head-space to be in. In my case, I knew something was up- when I was pregnant. My breasts were tingling and my nipples were extremely sensitive when my son breastfed, but in the space of couple weeks I begun to feel something was off. Then I felt guilty. I didn't want a guilty conscious or to guilt my body. So I fervently prayed that I was wrong about feeling off- it was nausea from morning sickness. The discharge and pain were an urinary tract infection. Soon enough, I was concerned and went to the doctor. While some bleeding during pregnancy may be okay and you can have a perfectly healthy baby at the end- bleeding and pain during pregnancy is not good. In the short time I was pregnant I was thinking about how to adjust to having two kids, my doula work. Even names . It is tough. I don't know how women pull themselves out of multiple miscarriages. Yet they do.
The doctor was concerned about an ectopic pregnancy because of the location of the pain. I went to the emergency department for an an ultrasound and because the bleeding was worse. I was starting to believe it was not a miscarriage- I wasn't cramping, just felt sharp pains on and off and nausea. For my doula work, I have read up on miscarriage. In the waiting room, I even read an article about dealing with miscarriage. Even though it seemed surreal, it felt like a sign. I spent two hours worrying in the first waiting room. Then in the next zone, I waited for a few more hours.
At this point- I was feeling completely sick. My boyfriend, brother and baby showed up. This cheered me up slightly. My boyfriend bought me some Fruit Snacks because they were gluten free and green tea. I was a little less nauseous- or so I thought. I had the worst headache and couldn't breathe. Finally, I was given a bed. I had some blood-work done. Then, I tried to drink some water and threw up. I think because my bladder was so full and I felt so sick from waiting and worrying. Not long after that, I had a regular and trans-vaginal ultrasound. I could tell something was up by the expression on the tech's face. She felt bad I had to wait so long. Finally, the end was in sight.
I threw up again after the ultrasound. Did I mention I hate hospitals- the sterile nature, the lack of airflow, the bright lights. I had to wait again for my results. So much waiting. I was brought to a private room and had another pelvic exam. Thankfully, it looks like all tissue was expelled. The only thing of concern is a cyst. So, I get to have another ultrasound to make sure I am alright. I also had to have a rhogam shot. My blood type is negative so I needed to have the shot to protect future pregnancies- If my baby's blood type is positive, my body will produce antibodies and perceive it as an attacker. I have to say, I felt better after the shot.
Even though I cried at the news that it was in fact a miscarriage, my intuition made me aware of the situation. I wished it was wrong because I so wanted a baby, But, alas it was not to be. I am thankful that I wasn't hemorrhaging or that it was an ectopic pregnancy. Still, it is tough. After 7 hours in the hospital , I felt so much better being able to walk outside. I could breath fresh air and see my baby.
In light of Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day, this miscarriage is made more vivid. As well, I know many who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss. It is scarily so how common a miscarriage is. I write this post in order to get it off my mind, to share my experience and let others know they are not alone in feeling a crazy range of emotion.
I am so grateful for the support I have in my life. They have held me together through this. Also, my toddler- although at now 20 months - he is too young to understand, he has helped me as well. One day at a time.
It is with all this that I have to remember the words of Ina May Gaskin "Your body is not a lemon" That too, helps so much.